Day 17

I slept well last night. Today I was fidgety and irritable. I can’t really think today. I had a meltdown just cooking a simple dinner. I’m just I don’t know. I talked to my sister and my mom today. My mom asked if my dr said it was okay for her to give me the shot. I told her I see the dr. tomorrow.   

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Day 16

I had broken sleep last night. Today I was unwell. I seriously contemplated suicide. I found it would only affect 10ish people. I took a long shower instead. I know it’s stupid but I said I’d be at my appointment on Tuesday. I’m determined to make it until then. I’ll probably be put in the hospital or into intensive outpatient services when I see my new therapist and psychiatrist. I don’t want my privacy  violated like that but I may not have a choice. I contemplated taking a klonopin but felt bedtime was soon and I’d have to tell my husband how close he was to losing me tonight.

Other than that by all accounts I had a wonderful day. I spent time talking to my son and watching him play video games. Had a great lunch just me and my husband. I talked to my sister for a bit. I talked to my mom to tonight. Inside I hurt so bad though, my chest still feels like it’s crushed. No one would suspect that they almost lost me. That’s the scariest thing, I hide well, and things can flip any moment.

Day 15

I slept 5 hours last night. I was awoken by my dad this morning. He took me out to breakfast and to the flea market. I was only able to walk a quarter of it before I got to tired. Dad had me sit down at the eating area while he went to put the bags back. I was worried that I’d think people were talking about me again, as my paranoia gets worse when alone but I was fine until my dad came back. We walked for a little while longer and then went to get ice cream. After my dad took me home because I had to go to my in-laws because my son came home today.

When I went home to pack I almost forgot my medication. So we went to my in-laws and talked about their trip. While talking about it I was looking up snorkeling. I’m very antsy today. I spent time with my son. We watched Despicable Me and Reckit Ralph. My skin feels like there’s tons of bugs on my skin. I’m going to go to bed early because I hate the feelings of bugs on my skin.

Day 14

I slept well last night and made it 2 weeks. The meds aren’t that bad with danimals but it’s just 2 pills my previous psychiatrist had me taking 4 pills, the abilify injection and a klonopin as needed. I’m very overwhelmed today. I have a lot of nervous energy. My husband thought it was funny just to stare at me to annoy me. It backfired on him, I got freaked out and flipped out on him.

I went to lay down only to get more anxious there. I got up and he went to lay down. I felt he was trying to get away from me but this time I asked him. He wasn’t. I told him how hard of a day I was having and he told me I need hobbies. I flipped shit screamed at him I have hobbies but we have no money for my hobbies. So he got up and took me to Michael’s.   I bought 8 figurines to paint. I came home and painted three of them. I also picked up my injection. Then I spent some time with my dog and now it’s bed time.  I’m anxious that my paranoia won’t go away by class on Wednesday.

Day 13

I finally slept 8 hours! I took my husband to the movies to see Logan. I realized in the movie that he does want me around. Not just because I do nice things for him but because he cares. I haven’t wanted to harm or kill myself today so that’s progress.  I’m so happy I might be coming out of this. It’s been over a month now since my episode had started. I lose so much time to this.

I’ve also heard my shot has been approved and ready for pick up. Now I wait to see whether  my home health nurse is approved or if I need to learn to give myself the injection. If I do have to learn to give myself the injection my mom, who’s a nurse can show me.

I also got a call from my psych clinic. They’ve changed my therapist to one that is more available. That should be good if it works out. My other therapist kept wanting to kick me over to intensive outpatient. Hopefully this one has the time and energy to deal with my crazy. I have to thank my psychiatrist and my clinic for all these changes as he’s trying to find something that works for me longer then a couple of months. I hope my therapist isn’t afraid of me or for me. I made a horrible dinner and didn’t feel bad about it. Then I watched some TV. Now with a quiet head and the feeling of bugs on my skin I go to bed.

Day 12

I think I screwed up and today is day 13. I only say that because I’ve been taking the meds with danimals and as of yesterday I finished two 6 packs oh well.

I slept 6 hours but took an hour nap too. I’ve been thinking about doing intensive outpatient. I’m thinking if I’m not well by mid May I’ll try it. I’d go sooner but I don’t drive. I’d have to ask my dad to pick me up and I don’t like that idea. My family knows I have a diagnosis. That I take meds but they don’t believe in mental illness. Even if they did “not their daughter”.  Picking me up from IOP is too much for them it throws my illness in their face and they like to pretend it doesn’t exist.

 Today was hard people were laughing and talking. I know it’s not about me but I think it’s about me. I spent most of my night looking up the difference between paranoia and anxiety. What I can find is anxiety is worrying about the future and “what if’s”. Where paranoia is “This is happening right now.”  If I understand that correctly then I’m more paranoid than anxious. However I do have that pain in my chest. So who knows something to talk to my therapist about.

I dropped some papers of at the psychiatrist’s office. A couple for my son on ADHD, Bipolar and depression. I also printed and filled out the sheet for an approval for a home health nurse that my psychiatrist needs to fill out and fax back. The paper is for a nurse  to give me an abilify injection so I don’t have to take that pill anymore. Then we went to pick up my husband’s medication and find out why I don’t have my injection yet. They LOST the prescription! They eventually found it but seriously, it wasn’t even in the system, grr. It needs to be authorized too. Hopefully I’ll know something by Tuesday so I have something to tell my therapist. This whole meds thing isn’t working out.

By the time we got home we were tired so we napped. I often have to nap when it’s “my time of the month” my symptoms get worse usually around that time. Suicide and self harm isn’t the number one thing on my mind today. I thought about it strongly but know I would fail at it so I put it in the back of my head. No daydreaming about it today. I think I’m getting better. My husband says I’m still hyper. So this weirdness of an episode has lasted over a month.

Day 11

I woke up well this morning. I slept 7 hours last night. It was broken sleep but it was a complete 7 hours. My husband made me breakfast. I feel like I can’t stretch enough but I’m not angry.

As my day went on I got cranky and took a nap. I went to visit my sister and we played some board games and had pizza. Halfway through I was just done. No idea why but everything became overwhelming. Today it’s mostly seeing things out of the corner of my eye and feeling  rejected. My anxiety spiked when some kids were yelling outside our apartment and my chest feels like it’s being crushed. I’m still having the feelings of bugs on my skin/scalp. 

Tomorrow will be the real test. I always think people are talking about me in co-op and I run out of danimal which I use to take my meds.

Day 10

Day 10 is big for me. I made it to the double digits! I have 8 days until I see my psychiatrist again.

So I only slept 4-5 hours last night. I woke up wanting to drag a screwdriver across my arm. Yay, a new thought. Then imagined breaking my forearm. Then dissecting my arm, both are “regular” thoughts for me. So I laid in bed until it was time to get up.

We got up to go to our co-op. My husband teaches classes at co-ops in the area so that my son can attend.  My son is on vacation with family. So it’s just us as parents going. It’s too loud here. I’m so aggravated, my leg is shaking so fast and I feel like I need to stretch all the time. I’m coloring but it’s not helping. My chest hurts so bad I feel like crying but won’t. I’m so confused today.

I laid down and started to daydream about my suicide. My husband, who was laying down also, eventually coughed and apologize for waking me. I began to spit fire. How dare he think I was sleeping? I was mad. I mean shaking, crying mad. He was adamant I was sleeping and wouldn’t drop it. I just kept telling him I was mad. I couldn’t tell him what was really going on in my head. I wish I was sleeping! I wanted to hit something. I wanted spew hatred, but most of all I wanted to bleed. It would calm me down. I wasn’t going to sleep next to him until I calmed down. Eventually he took me for a drive. I calmed down enough to lay down. We debated whether I should take a klonopin but decided it wasn’t a bad enough situation. I’m thinking about going into the intensive outpatient program at my clinic.

Day 9

 

Today was a good day. I slept for 5 hours. I watched TV. I talked to my sister. I’m starting to fit back with my family. I still don’t think they want me here but if not I have places to go. My heads not as loud today. My chest still feels like someone kicked me in it, breathing hurts. My concentration is off still the outside world is loud and distracting. My leg is shaking less. I’m still really talkative, I’m afraid of people yet I started a blog. I don’t know if being afraid of people is paranoia or social anxiety I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I am probably gaining weight on the abilify. I’m eating us out of house and home. I don’t want to take it anymore. I hate it I feel like I’m backed into a corner. I have to take it tonight though. I have to every night.

How this started…

Disclaimer:  I  have bipolar, I receive public assistance, I’m married to a bipolar man, we have one son who also has mental health issues, and we homeschool him.

I have bipolar with psychosis. I was  diagnosed 10 years ago. This blog is my attempt to stay medication compliant for a whole year. I will try to be as honest as I can. I usually skip meds 1-2x a week and completely stop meds if I don’t see my psychiatrist monthly. In my current clinic the average time between psychiatrist appointments are  3 months. The average wait time for an initial appointment is around 6 months. However both my son and I got a new psychiatrist this past week and I plan to give him a chance. I have a therapist but I don’t see her often.

 

Backstory: So when I take meds usually I’m really good at first. Then it goes to missing a dose or two. Then I miss every other day but as the time my psychiatrist appointment comes up I’m taking it every day again. I was taking my meds like every other day or so and I slowly just stop. My psych nurse wasn’t going to see me for 6 weeks and I was done like always. I was going to go in and tell her I’m off meds and I just want therapy. I was still on my mood stabilizer because “Skin fall-y off-y” disease (Stevens-Johnson Syndrome) does not sound fun. So here I am not on my anti-psychotic because it tastes bad and I gag it up and on a baby dose of my mood stabilizer.

My voices are back. Have you ever walked into a crowded room and all you hear is all the people talking but can’t understand what they’re saying? Yes? Well that’s my head all the time. The bugs never left, if feels like bugs are crawling all over biting me. I don’t see them but I feel them and no I don’t have scabies or lice I check regularly. Then there’s the confusion, that’s back too. Have you ever heard someone talking and feel like I should know what they’re saying then realize they’re talking a foreign language? Yeah, it’s like that just they aren’t talking a foreign language it’s just me. All these are signs I can ignore/hide. No one realizes.Then my psych nurse cancels and I get transferred to a new psychiatrist.

I forget all about the appointment and go on vacation to see my sister. I start sleeping less but there’s always someone up to talk to so I don’t realize. I’m talking more but I’m with family why wouldn’t I, so I missed that too. Then my leg started shaking and noises were too loud. I should have caught that one but no I was too busy having fun. All of these things my family didn’t catch.

Then my thoughts got dark. I don’t see it as dark, carving a tree in my arm would look pretty but I catch that thought and I know it’s wrong but do I take my anti-psychotic? Nope, I just tell myself not to do it because it’ll ruin my tattoo if I do each time that thought comes. Do I worry about the thought? Nope it’s me, I’d never actually do that because it would leave a scar.

By the time I got home I was having thoughts of self harm but I didn’t stop there, instantly I became paranoid. I hadn’t seen my husband or son in 4 days. They were happy without me. Whenever I walked into the room they’d stop laughing and joking. So I isolated, I looked at moving out but didn’t qualify for homeless shelters. It hurt so much that they didn’t want me and were teasing me by inviting me places. I knew my thinking was off but no one wanted me and I couldn’t move out, suicide became an option.

Then my therapist appointment came up. So here’s this girl, hasn’t really slept, wants to self harm (because it’s pretty), is suicidal (but has no intent), shaking like crazy, talking fast, is paranoid, hallucinating, skipped her psychiatrist appointment and not on her meds. My therapist tried to convince me to go to an intensive outpatient program, that was not going to happen. So she convinced me to tell my husband and a least talk to the psychiatrist. I told my husband and my therapist got me in to see the psychiatrist 5 days from then.

As the day went on my thoughts grew darker. My only way out was suicide or meds. So the day after seeing my therapist I took my anti-psychotic. It was that or the hospital. Now I have to point out that the only outward sign all this is going on is that I’m sleeping less and my leg is shaking. So I took the meds until I saw the psychiatrist.

I told the psychiatrist everything like I do my therapist and we made a plan. My husband is in charge of my meds. If I don’t take them my husband is to admit me to the hospital, I hate the hospital. My psychiatrist is going to try to get a home health aid to come and give me an injection of my anti-psychotic so I don’t have to choke down a pill and I’m not to be left home alone. He also mentioned possible schizoaffective disorder. I see him again in two weeks.

I want to give this psychiatrist a chance to help me. So I’m giving him a year of being completely med compliant and taking his recommendations seriously. So today is day 9 of being on both meds as prescribed.