So I’m still unwell. I did really well on the shot until insurance decided to take it away. So I had a month or so of stability which is cruel because I know what it’s like not to feel like everyone hates you, you’re being talked about, street cameras are following you and someone is always behind you. You know who’s not hated dead people. My skin feels too tight, I want to cut it off, I want to break my wrist because of the warm radiating feeling and somehow I’m making my husband a liar, he hates liars. He wouldn’t be a liar if I was dead. See my mind wants me dead.

So anyway in the midst of all this my psychiatrist takes a leave of absence. So I’m stuck with a temporary psychiatrist that doesn’t return calls. So I give up after two and a half weeks of calling with no injection I start  taking my abilify pills. In my mind risking an overdose.  Between this time I see my therapist and tell her almost nothing that is going on. She seems squishy and I don’t want to scare her away or worse get hospitalized. So I told her it feels like someone’s behind me all the time. When I finally see the psychiatrist I ask to change to the dissolvable Zyprexa. Yes this anorexic is so freaked out by my thoughts that I’m willing to take a massive weight gainer. So all this happened yesterday. Last night my husband tells me he doesn’t want me on Zyprexa because I take weight gain so badly I might “do something”.

While all this is going on my husband find out he has to go on a trip in a couple of days leaving me with my son for 10 days. So I have one more meeting with my therapist and all the fun things that go with starting a new med and discontinuing an old ones. I have to be completely honest with her if Zyprexa doesn’t work.


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