So this morning I got my choice of sitting with 9 kids or 8 teenagers for 15 min at co-op. I took on the teens. It’s really, really hard to talk to people when they’re staring at you. I know they were just listening but it’s so nerve wracking. I wanted to tell them to stop looking at me but I couldn’t. My son was sick so he didn’t go to co-op.

After we attempted to go grocery shopping but there were too many people/cars there. We went home checked on the kid and dog. I was so tired because of the stress of watching the kids I laid down but my mind wouldn’t calm down about all the things I have to do for my assistance  review. So we went to michael’s because their canvas was 85% off. My husband got a 36×48 canvas for under $13 and I got a tile to paint on for $1.25.

On the way home we decided to try and grocery shopping at a smaller store. We managed that and came home to fill our fridge and cupboards. I spent some time thinking about cutting. Then I cooked and served dinner. My sister called to find out whether I liked my new therapist or not. I told her I did. That she reminds me of an old friend.  I of course didn’t tell her how crappy I’m doing that I’m getting whiplash from my moods.

Now I’m sitting here thinking how well everyone thinks I am when I feel like I’m drowning. I want to cut really bad but that would kick in my crisis plan and I don’t want my mental health team to know I’m cutting and isolating yet that can wait until I see them again. I don’t want to have to go to Intensive Outpatient or the hospital over my stupidness. I don’t know how to tell them how bad my paranoia is. That I’ve found I can block out the noise of my head/thoughts by using headphones and listening to music. I don’t want to die today just really hurt myself. All together it was a good day maybe I’m stabling out again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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