I fucked up today. The whole day. I was at the clinic for hours today and I couldn’t get out the words “I’m not okay.” or “help me.” All I got out is. “Crappy” when asked how I was but that meant nothing. I don’t see my therapist or psychiatrist for another month. I came home and cried and cried and cried. Why couldn’t I say what needed to be said.
I talked about my treatment plan, my dinner time meltdown, mindfulness, my fear that they’ll hospitalize me, meds I’m on and that I’ve taken them daily for so long. What wasn’t said is “I need help.”, “I need a med change.” “I’m not okay.” “I’m drowning here”. So tonight as the hopeless feelings flood and suicide spins in my head. I’ve decided to call my new therapist tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment in two weeks. I feel more hopeless now then I did two weeks ago.