I fucked up today. The whole day. I was at the clinic for hours today and I couldn’t get out the words “I’m not okay.” or “help me.” All I got out is. “Crappy” when asked how I was but that meant nothing. I don’t see my therapist or psychiatrist for another month. I came home and cried and cried and cried. Why couldn’t I say what needed to be said.

I talked about my treatment plan, my dinner time meltdown, mindfulness, my fear that they’ll hospitalize me, meds I’m on and that I’ve taken them daily for so long. What wasn’t said is “I need help.”, “I need a med change.”  “I’m not okay.” “I’m drowning here”. So tonight as the hopeless feelings flood and suicide spins in my head. I’ve decided to call my new therapist tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment in two weeks. I feel more hopeless now then I did two weeks ago.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s