I think I screwed up and today is day 13. I only say that because I’ve been taking the meds with danimals and as of yesterday I finished two 6 packs oh well.

I slept 6 hours but took an hour nap too. I’ve been thinking about doing intensive outpatient. I’m thinking if I’m not well by mid May I’ll try it. I’d go sooner but I don’t drive. I’d have to ask my dad to pick me up and I don’t like that idea. My family knows I have a diagnosis. That I take meds but they don’t believe in mental illness. Even if they did “not their daughter”.  Picking me up from IOP is too much for them it throws my illness in their face and they like to pretend it doesn’t exist.

 Today was hard people were laughing and talking. I know it’s not about me but I think it’s about me. I spent most of my night looking up the difference between paranoia and anxiety. What I can find is anxiety is worrying about the future and “what if’s”. Where paranoia is “This is happening right now.”  If I understand that correctly then I’m more paranoid than anxious. However I do have that pain in my chest. So who knows something to talk to my therapist about.

I dropped some papers of at the psychiatrist’s office. A couple for my son on ADHD, Bipolar and depression. I also printed and filled out the sheet for an approval for a home health nurse that my psychiatrist needs to fill out and fax back. The paper is for a nurse  to give me an abilify injection so I don’t have to take that pill anymore. Then we went to pick up my husband’s medication and find out why I don’t have my injection yet. They LOST the prescription! They eventually found it but seriously, it wasn’t even in the system, grr. It needs to be authorized too. Hopefully I’ll know something by Tuesday so I have something to tell my therapist. This whole meds thing isn’t working out.

By the time we got home we were tired so we napped. I often have to nap when it’s “my time of the month” my symptoms get worse usually around that time. Suicide and self harm isn’t the number one thing on my mind today. I thought about it strongly but know I would fail at it so I put it in the back of my head. No daydreaming about it today. I think I’m getting better. My husband says I’m still hyper. So this weirdness of an episode has lasted over a month.


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