Day 10 is big for me. I made it to the double digits! I have 8 days until I see my psychiatrist again.
So I only slept 4-5 hours last night. I woke up wanting to drag a screwdriver across my arm. Yay, a new thought. Then imagined breaking my forearm. Then dissecting my arm, both are “regular” thoughts for me. So I laid in bed until it was time to get up.
We got up to go to our co-op. My husband teaches classes at co-ops in the area so that my son can attend. My son is on vacation with family. So it’s just us as parents going. It’s too loud here. I’m so aggravated, my leg is shaking so fast and I feel like I need to stretch all the time. I’m coloring but it’s not helping. My chest hurts so bad I feel like crying but won’t. I’m so confused today.
I laid down and started to daydream about my suicide. My husband, who was laying down also, eventually coughed and apologize for waking me. I began to spit fire. How dare he think I was sleeping? I was mad. I mean shaking, crying mad. He was adamant I was sleeping and wouldn’t drop it. I just kept telling him I was mad. I couldn’t tell him what was really going on in my head. I wish I was sleeping! I wanted to hit something. I wanted spew hatred, but most of all I wanted to bleed. It would calm me down. I wasn’t going to sleep next to him until I calmed down. Eventually he took me for a drive. I calmed down enough to lay down. We debated whether I should take a klonopin but decided it wasn’t a bad enough situation. I’m thinking about going into the intensive outpatient program at my clinic.